I always hated that word. It judges me. I say the word and it says ‘you are not me’. It gives me a stomach ache in the evenings, when I reflect on the day and feel like I wasn’t very productive. I usually get up around 6 am, I do a half hour workout, make everyone breakfast and wake up the kids to get them ready for school and kindergarden. If I have a few minutes, I write down the tasks of the day, but usually I don’t have the time.
I walk the kids to school and kindergarden. I fetch my backpack and go to the metrostation nearby. During the commute I usually do my Japanese lessons or listen to some music. There is a guy in the train, whos always hacking away on his laptop, making me feel guilty. There is a man reading the paper. There is a woman who keeps dozing off. Those are the usuals. I stare at my phone doing Japanese and I ask myself how I look to them. Do I look like someone who is doomscrolling? Or playing games?
I get off the metro, walk another fifteen minutes to the IT school and get to work. After five hours of listening to the teacher in various states of focus, I go home the same way I came. Usually I get groceries, go to an appointment or get some cooking or cleaning done before I go pick up the kids. It’s their time now. We go to piano lessons, swimming lessons or boy scout meetings before we come home, have dinner and get ready for bed. Another day another win, right?
It doesn’t feel like it. This is one of the reasons I started to write this blog. I sit down to do something productive when the kids are asleep. I feel unproductive in my day to day life. As I’m writing this, I see things a bit differntly. I am being productive, but not in the way people tell me to be. It’s not doing one thing after another. It doesn’t have to be all charts and calendars. I do arganize my familys life. I make sure everything runs smoothly. I drive around town so my kids can learn and grow. At the same I am learning a new skill, coding. I cram in some lessons here and there. I workout a few times a week, I plan trips and outings.
I need to stop looking at these things like they don’t matter. They do. I think they are a form of productivity. The work to keep a familiy running is not easy. There is always something unforseen coming up. I have to figure things out. I plan ahead. I organize playdates and afternoon groups. I learn coding in the morning and how to write a successful blog in the late evenings. I klick myself through wordpress, I ask AI about how to create something and put it to use. I am someone with a new focus. A new goal.
The way to get there is in no way easy or staight forward. It’s a constant struggle. Somedays it’s harder than others. I learned, that the more I look toward myself in the future I get things done better. I look ahead and see, that future me has overcome this problem and I work hard to get there. It’s okay to not always have the best results. It’s better than never havin any results. I am working, I am failing, I keep on working and somewhere along the line, I will be blessed with everything I want and I’ll have learned all these skills, that I otherwise wouldnt have.
Until that day comes, I’ll work hard, but I won’t compare myself to others. I will take breaks without feeling guilty, I will enjoy my life without worrying how I look. I will enjoy everything I am learning.