Why am I here? – It’s the fundamental question. I have asked myself this question a thousand times, in various contexts. Why am I here at this moment? Why am I here at this party? Why am I in this city? Why am I a part of this particular family? Why am I here at my desk, working for someone else? For someone I don’t know? I still don’t have all the answers, but I am on my way to find out.
I’ve been living in Hamburg, a hanseatic city in Germany, almost all my life. I’ve seen all the places, eaten all the foods, had all the experiences. I have family, friends, a job, I have the means to a life in the city I grew up in . I should be happy and content. Somehow I grew tired of my day to day life. I don’t marvel at things like I used to. I don’t stop and smell the roses. I don’t want this jaded existence. There is more to life. I am sure of this.
I remember my childhood vaguely. There are moments that stand out more. Other things I’ver forgotten completely. People have to tell me. I remember a lot of the good things, like getting a new doll for my birthday and having sandwiches with my firends on the train. I’m good at ignoring the bad. Now and then I think about being laughed at, being told off in front of others. Someone once told me I won’t amount to much. I will never be successfull. That stuck with me. It’s still on my mind a lot.
I can try to forget my worst moments, but my inner child still carries that around. People say just let go. It’s not that simple. The mind is a mysterious thing. It digs up things I don’t want to see or remember. It doesn’t know what to do with it. That memory never got resolved. It comes up whenever I start something new. It comes up when I study, it comes up when I am trying to enjoy myself.
I have kids myself now and I see how they are full of life. They don’t fear starting something new. They don’t put off doing something they find interesting. They don’t fear failure. They do things, because they like them. They don’t fear the future. I want them to never loose this spirit. I want them to try everything they want, as long as it’s healthy. I want them to grow into fearless adults, who will dive into a business venture without thinking ‘what if’. If they should fall, I want them to get up without a second thought.
I want my inner child to have that as well. I want to see success in her life. I don’t want to shy away from it. I don’t want to think ‘this will never work’ ever again. I want to do things without thinking ‘this has to be a success’. I want to enjoy life without thinking about others. I want to act on my own desires. I don’t want to put off posting something on the internet for fear of others. I want my child-self to tell me: ‘See? That person was wrong about me. I dictate my own life.’
I have thought about these blockages, I call them, for the past few years. Being a parent is a big part of that. I made up my mind, that I need to have my own journey alongside being a wife and a mother. I am very happy about that part, but there are corners of my mind that needs love, healing and attention. There are desires, that need to be fulfilled. I want to work on them and be successful. I want my kids to have a source of understanding, kindness, love and acceptance in their mother. I want to be able to give that to them without having all that baggage in the back of my mind.
It won’t be easy, it won’t be pretty all the time. This tranformation will need willpower, a mindset shift and constant reminders of my goal. I have my family to help me. I’m doing one thing at a time, like writing about myself.