Last week the kids and I went for a walk around our neighbourhood. It was a nice, sunny day, so we got ice cream and went to a little canal. We sat down on the steps and enjoyed our ice cream. My mind was somewhere else the entire time.
On our way back we passed a really big piece of machinery, wich was used to build the Elbtunnel ( a tunnel that was built for cars, people etc underneath the river Elbe in Hamburg). There is a platform put up around that giant cutter and the kids where goofing aound on there as I stopped to read the little information board. There were a bunch of pictures from 1911 or something with one picture of the team, that build the tunnel. I’ ve read this before, but last time it didn’t create this moment of epiphany within me.
In that moment I came to the realization, that all these people are likely dead. They did this amazing thing, were they defied nature by bulding something underneath it. Still they are dead and probably forgotten by most people. They had on average about seventy to eighty years to live on this planet. They died. I don’t know who they were, if they had family. Did they have a dog? A house with a picket fence? Were they happy? Did they do everything that was possible for them? Did they care about what other people thought? What were their problems? Their worries?
I have little time on this planet. I start with my clean slate. I learn, I grow, I build up my personality, my charakter. The experiences along the way define my person. My little quirks, my behavior, my thinking patterns, logic, they all form. I learn ethics, morals, principles. As I grow anomalies creep in. Doubt, comparison, envy, fear, jealousy, anger, resentment, anxiety, jadedness, bitterness, loneliness. It gets all baked into this identity. I built it myself, with a little help of my circumstances. I choose to feel certain things, let them become bigger, let them fester. They grow too big to get rid of. They are a part of me.
This is my identity.
As I looked into the faces of those workers, it hit me like a punch to the gut. They lived their life on earth, maybe with doubts, maybe with regret, maybe they lived a life they didn’t want. Maybe all they did was do what they were told. In the end it didn’t matter. In present time people don’t care about how their lives looked like. My life won’t be any different. I could live with my identity until the day I die without making any difference. I will be dead one day and the world won’t care. The only person who actually does care is me. I will be the one reminiscing, I will be the one regretting. So why not live my life on my own terms? Why don’t I start to live a life I won’t regret?
This little walk shifted the way I think about my identity. I can’t give anything if I am unhappy, unfulfilled and empty. I want my cup of life to overflow so I can give others. I am the builder of my identity. I can choose to put myself first. I can say no. I can do something because I want to, not because society or family wants me to. I can be happy for others. I can change the way I think about others. I can change the way I look at the people around me. I can change the perspective on my life. All it takes is to zoom out and look at the bigger picture. This is my new identity.