The art of living in the now

I have been thinking of becoming more relaxed lately. It seems like there is a secret to it and I want to find out what it is. This state of relaxation comes so easily to a lot of people around me. I am the complete opposite of that. The more I try to be calm and at peace, my mind wanders to all sorts of to-dos, appointments and whatnots. Outwardly I’m this perfect picture of peacefullness, but inwardly there is always a storm going on. I want to resolve this paradox.

My friend asked me to come to a new playground with my kids. Our daughters hadn’t seen each other in a while, so I was happy to agree. My son wasn’t happy about it, because I could’t fix a playdate for him so he had to come with us. We argued a lot and I got tense. It took a lot of conviction work to get him to go that playground. When we were on our way, I was really wound up, but happy both kids were cooperating and in good spirits. Why does it have to be a battle all the time? That’s what kept going through my mind.

We haven’t been to the playground for over two years. When we arrived it didn’t look familiar at all. My friend told me that they remodeled the entire place. They now had a water element to it. The kids have a shallow tank to splash around in. There are faucets and pumps, a few waterslides and some climbing elements. The last time we where there, it was this rundown park, with a few swings a sand pit and a slide. The kids didn’t bother us again for the next two hours, yes my son included. He had all the fun he’d argued he wouldn’t have if he’d come along.

I was telling my friend about the disagreement we’d had at home and of the pain I’d had about getting my son to come with us. She understood and told me about the little disputes she has with daughter on a daily basis. We were both pondering the hardships we face simply by being mothers. I asked her how she could be so calm about it. All she said is: I try to focus on this moment, let go of past moments. As I looked at her, I saw what that must cost her, but she still chooses to let go.

And when I looked around this paradise for kids, I noticed all those parents watching theire kids play and be free, chatting with other parents, I realized that if don’t claim these little moments of peace life hands me, the next storm will come. And I would have to face it without having had a chance of regaining my strength. I’d be adding bad feeling on top of bad feeling. Crisis on top of crisis.

This was another moment of comprehension for me. I’ve been living like this for as long as I can think off. I don’t let things go easily, wich robs me of my relaxation. Even the small argument with my son is too big for me to let go. This is an unhealthy habit that I’ve groomed my entire adult life. I need to actively let go of these patterns. I want to be relaxed and enjoy watching my kids have fun. I don’t want this memory polluted by my inability to let go of a bad feeling.

I don’t believe that this day will put an end to this habit of mine, but it made me aware that I have it. Now I have the power to put a stop to jeopardizing my energizing quiet moments. I believe this will help me improve all my relationships as well. I am writing this on a rainy monday. My kids are at school and kindergarden, my hunsbands at work. I am starting work in five minutes. I am enjoying the quiet moment. I had to chuckle a bit when I recalled the argument with my son. When I look at it from a relaxed mind, I can see how futile my behviour was. Kids will be kids and all I can do is be patient and keep my peace. Live in the now.